day seventeen: All I want is time

as a baby
i was a hapless blob
cried pools of
learning tears
danger
followed me
everywhere
soaked towels
heavy diapers
couldn't do
for myself
and now i can't remember a damn thing
about how i was
as a baby

as a boy
had a stick shoved in my eye
a chip tattooed on my shoulder
the neighborhood
knocked over
my sand castles
girls broke
my proffered heart
teachers
from whom i never learned
sent me to the office
again
my parents
too busy
with six others
like me
but different
and now i remember
almost too much
about how i was
as a boy

as a teenager
big heart
wicked and sly
stole from supermarkets
smoked cigarettes
smoked pot
behind the pavilion
and liked it
played in a hard rock band
made love to
the football star's girlfriend
after the dance
in my dad's car
and later
her best friend
at her parent's house
good thing he never found out
good thing she never found out
and now i laugh
about how i was
as a teenager

as a college student
couldn't focus
too much life in the way
drank until i
blacked out
more than once
stupid
speed
even more pot
made love
to a different girl
almost every night
for five weeks
worshipped them all
i felt like i was
spent in heaven
then they found out
about me
and hell was to pay
figured it was time
to return to classes
i got my degree
and a giant
student loan bill
and i still write checks thinking
about how i was
as a college student

as a man
got my first job
fight with the boss
first week
never went back
took a job
across town
lasted fifteen years
fell in love
got married
three beautiful daughters
who taught dad
who was really boss
and i still fall in love
all over again
when i think
about how i was
as a man

and as i lay dying
it seems like
using
my baby mind
my boy heart
my teenager guts
my college student curiosity
my man love
i could do it all
better
next time around

and as everyone gathers
full of love and sorrow
i realize there is so much
that i already have
but all i want
all i want
is time